I don’t know what it is about laying in bed at night that stimulates worry.
When will I meet someone? Will I be financially secure? Am I following my passion? What exactly is it? Why don't I strive harder in accomplishing my goals? Will my good health continue? Will the health of my family and friends? What bills do I have to pay? Why do I sabotage my relationships? What do I have to accomplish tomorrow at work? Why didn’t I do my laundry and clean this weekend instead of running around with my friends? Is it possible that no man will love me again? What will I pack for lunch? What’s my exercise plan for the week? Why don’t I repair those relationships that need my attention?
Should I get up and eat something, because I’m pretty hungry?
My clock says that it is 3:04 a.m. and the questions go on and on. I am unable to turn my mind off and now have grave concerns about the level of exhaustion I will certainly experience tomorrow at work. (...and here come the judgments.) I’m quite certain that my lack of adequate exercise doesn’t help my insomnia, let alone my enormous amounts of caffeine I consumed throughout the day. The nap that I felt so entitled to languish over this afternoon might not have been the best idea, in retrospect.
Stop agonizing already.
Sometimes I think my thoughts as my adversary, as whenever I’m alone with them, self-doubt and an uncertain outlook seem to gain strength. No problems are ever solved when my anxiety starts to set in.
For now, I’ll just settle for laying back down, closing my eyes and resting my body. I’ll breathe deeply, meditating on a beautiful scene…a calm, summer day at a park perhaps. I will pray to God for spiritual peace, a restful night’s sleep and a positive and energetic tomorrow.
Ohmygoodness, it makes me feel a little less anxious to know that other women out there lose hours thinking some of these thoughts. It doesn't make me feel *better* because I wish that we could all lay down at night at find a little peace and then knock out as fast as possible =)
ReplyDeleteI think you're absolutely right, our thoughts are our adversaries, but I believe they can also be our allies once you start to think positive thoughts about yourself. Awaken the Giant within. I think next time that big grey nimbus starts swirling over your head, do exactly what you did and write all those thoughts down, let them out! Write on this blog, write in an old spiral book, write on a word document anywhere just let those thoughts out so that you can see what other thoughts are out there, what other ideas come to light when you're not bogged down by the negative. I used to keep a journal back in my youth. The practice of writing really aided me through some very difficult times. Any emotions of loneliness, anger, loathing, it would bleed from my fingers, through my pen and onto the page; my hand would hurt, I was writing so hard. Pardon the crassness but, instead of squirming, farting and squenching after a heavy meal, just excuse yourself, take a big shit and move on.... to dessert! Love you!
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