I don’t know what it is about laying in bed at night that stimulates worry.
Before I completely nod off I turn off the television (yes, every night), I turn out the lights. Miraculously, I am awake as if I had just had a shot of espresso or as if I were late for a flight. The worrisome questions and second-guessing my life's path lead to a dialogue with myself that reeks of judgments and guilt.
When will I meet someone? Will I be financially secure? Am I following my passion? What exactly is it? Why don't I strive harder in accomplishing my goals? Will my good health continue? Will the health of my family and friends? What bills do I have to pay? Why do I sabotage my relationships? What do I have to accomplish tomorrow at work? Why didn’t I do my laundry and clean this weekend instead of running around with my friends? Is it possible that no man will love me again? What will I pack for lunch? What’s my exercise plan for the week? Why don’t I repair those relationships that need my attention?
Should I get up and eat something, because I’m pretty hungry?
My clock says that it is 3:04 a.m. and the questions go on and on. I am unable to turn my mind off and now have grave concerns about the level of exhaustion I will certainly experience tomorrow at work. (...and here come the judgments.) I’m quite certain that my lack of adequate exercise doesn’t help my insomnia, let alone my enormous amounts of caffeine I consumed throughout the day. The nap that I felt so entitled to languish over this afternoon might not have been the best idea, in retrospect.
Stop agonizing already.
Sometimes I think my thoughts as my adversary, as whenever I’m alone with them, self-doubt and an uncertain outlook seem to gain strength. No problems are ever solved when my anxiety starts to set in.
For now, I’ll just settle for laying back down, closing my eyes and resting my body. I’ll breathe deeply, meditating on a beautiful scene…a calm, summer day at a park perhaps. I will pray to God for spiritual peace, a restful night’s sleep and a positive and energetic tomorrow.