Only The Heart Knows

My hometown is only a 3 ½ hour drive from where I currently live.  So when my oldest, or rather longest friend, Kelly called me to tell me that she would be there to visit her parents, my decision to make the trek was a no-brainer.

Kelly and I have been best friends since the 2^nd grade.  In the 2^nd grade, we were the smallest in our class and continued to be until the time that we both graduated.  At that time, our teacher arranged all of the desks (the kind that had the tabletop that lifted up so the students could store things underneath) in pairs.  Kelly and I were always assigned to sit together – probably because we were so cute and well-behaved.  She was always the one who was good at math and I in English.  Because the number line was taped at the top of my desk, whenever she won the timed tests (which was frequently), I always felt that she should share her treat-prize with me.  I, on the other hand, shared every single treat with her when I won for excelling in my spelling tests. 

Our memories were very different, as I never thought that she did.  This became a long-standing debate until about 20 years ago when we visited Mrs. Beenk, who not only remembered us but recalled that it was I who didn’t share my treats.  Funny, my recollection of myself is that I was much more angelic than that.

In 5^th grade, our city changed the school districts which meant that I had to attend a different school.  Kelly and I have never gone to the same school since.

Throughout our lives, she became the traveler, making major moves all over the world every few years, while I enjoyed the stability of having a place I call home.  The life she explored led her to law school, where she was homecoming queen at her university and I majored in accounting, worked three part-time jobs and remained anonymous at mine.  When she decided that she no longer wished to be an environmental attorney, she decided to drop it all and go to film school full-time so that she could shoot films to bring awareness to the various calamities that continue to occur in this world.  My career continues to cautiously grow in my chosen field for now I am comptroller for a health care facility.  Her wanderlust and my search for comfort and stability make us such an unlikely pair. We both giggle whenever anyone asks us, “why are you friends?” for it appears to most that we have nothing in common.

We are the last women of all whom we know that have never married.  Our perspectives on marriage are now completely embedded in our foundations.  Neither of us wanted children.  While children may be great for most, we both seemed to prefer the carefree lifestyle that comes from not having kids.  Now that we freely acknowledge that our biological clocks are not an issue, is marriage necessary at all?  Wouldn’t being in long term relationships be enough?  It’s so nice to verbalize our philosophies whenever we’re together as we always seem to be on the same page because we are always in the same stage of life. 

We always joked that when we retire we would pool all of our money and retire together on an island (or all over the world).  I’m not entirely sure that we won’t.

During our last visit, Kelly and I had designs on going out and partying like we did when we were young.  We didn’t factor in that we’re old…or “older” rather.  Instead of going to a bar and taking a cab home, we sat on plush couches at a wine bar listening to an acoustic artist, Jordan Danielson, at The Grape Life Wine Emporium.  Both of us being gregarious women, we chatted with strangers.  We hung out with Jordan and his girlfriend.  We laughed the honest laugh and experienced the utter joy of being together that only comes from being with someone who will never hurt you, who will always love you, and who has taken you into her heart.

While Kelly and I sat together and watched the show, it felt reminiscent of the days when we would sit on the couch to watch our Saturday cartoons after a sleepover.  Rather than her mother pouring us orange juice, we were served wine.  Instead of our families around us, there were friendly strangers.  Instead of talking about what we would do that day, we were discussing our lives’ plans.  We still look for the fun in life.  We still dream of our next adventures.  We were no longer eight years old brightly awaiting our futures; we are mature women who still anticipate the joys and sorrows that come from aging together.

What is interesting to me is that when I look at Kelly, I don’t necessarily see her as she is today.  I see her history.  I look at her with an understanding that only combined souls can comprehend.  I feel her vulnerabilities.  I see the strengths in her that took a lifetime to build. 

We know our friendship is sacred.  It’s not like family.  It’s much more than that.  After all, when we were eight years old we chose each other as soul mates.  

Is This What They Call A Mid-Life Crisis?

Something interesting happened when I turned 40.  I learned that the rules that I created for myself were no longer applicable.  For instance, I now prefer small gatherings to large crowds, and my circle of friends is now very select.    A job is just that…a J-O-B and it does not take precedence over my own time.  While the money may be good, I have my limits on the devotion I will offer entities that will not love me back. I enjoy the time I spend alone and no longer feel that a person can fill a void that only I own. 

I can now sleep with a man on my terms rather than his and understand that sex is just an act, while love is an energy reserved for someone very special.  It’s now much easier to compartmentalize the men who cross my path which helps to alleviate the confusion that eventually seemed to occur when I was younger. 

The skepticism, however, is the downside of my life after 40.  One may chalk it up to experience, as sometimes the strongest lessons we learn in life are the ones that resulted in getting our teeth kicked in.  Getting my hopes up is not something that happens often anymore.  Oftentimes the excitement and giddiness is lost as a result of too much analysis.

I recently realized that my childhood dreams of love and marriage were not that of my friends.  While most little girls dreamt of a big wedding, I never envisioned wearing a white wedding dress and planning my own wedding.  I always knew that the marriage was more important than the wedding itself.  The family that all of my friends wanted was never in my picture of my future.  The house in the suburbs was in no way something that I desired.  However, when I was little girl, I felt that I would meet and marry my best friend.  We would have a love that is unconditional and filled with mutual respect.  I still have that dream.

I wanted to travel, to work as a professional in a career that I was passionate about, and have someone I loved in my life.  For years, I have talked about moving to Boston, but have come up with a million reasons not to do it – either it’s too big or too expensive or I’m not ready start over.  The excuses never end.  I always loved writing but chose the sensible route of studying accounting.  In my mind’s eye, I felt that if sensibility equaled safety. 

I have since revised my equation to say that sensibility equals a very, very mundane life.  I do not consider these mistakes, but the choices I have made have led me to a place where I’m bored.  Is this a mid-life crisis?  I’m also wondering if I have the energy to do all of the things I have wanted to do.

This is the point where I believe like people start to consider their “bucket lists”, which for those of you who haven’t seen the movie is the list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket.

I have now started to dream of my future.  Now my vision of life is filled with travel, romance, and life experiences that capture the essence of life.  I want to see the Sistine Chapel, to walk the Great Wall of China, and to visit the Egyptian Pyramids.  I want to taste the ethnic cuisines in the countries that they represent.  I want to be active and healthy.  I want to be open to moving.  I want to perform in a play.  I want to be an activist for cause.  I want to utilize my God-given talent, as I believe that we all have one.  I want to do something great.  I want to be intrinsically satisfied with my accomplishments.  I want to live without fear.

I looked forward to turning 40 because these feelings of change would come to fruition.  I experience these changes daily. While there are periods where I do not feel quite like myself (a.k.a. lost), I eagerly anticipate the end result and expect that I will accomplish everything I set out to do.  This process consists of taking the steps in the direction that I feel I should have gone the first time around.  I believe that it’s important to be gentle with myself in making these decisions rather than judging myself for waiting so long to pursue the necessary measures.  Because this is a process, I would be remiss if I didn’t add to my wish list the quality of patience. The accomplishments are the evolutionary process of the person I want to be in the life I want to live. 

I’m not worried, though.  I’ll get there.  I’m confident of that much.